The Run That Never Was.

We should have known at the time. The signs were all there…. Someone purporting to be Slackbladder, who had mysteriously disappeared for several years, convened the r*n at a layby just north of Kendal. Not a pub in sight – now is that likely?

It now seems obvious that Slackbladder himself had been abducted by aliens and one of their kind, who had assumed a human mantle in a vague resemblance of the unfortunate Hasher himself, had been sent to experiment on humans.

Looking back, it should have been obvious at the time. I mean, who really lives next to a layby so convenient? It just doesn’t happen.

So, rather than setting off on a r*n, the evil alien/Slackbladder took us into its house, placed us in a sauna and them plied us with drugs to induce a mass hallucination we were undertaking a r*n. But, as always with induced states, not everything was quite right.

For starters, the heat…. - they got the temperature and humidity setting all wrong. You’ll know if you were there - it’s just never that hot in the Northern English summer without any sunshine. As we moved in a dream-like state through the virtual scenery (with the setting obviously switched to “pretty and undulating”), sweat poured off us even at walking pace. Even dedicated Rambos were reduced to walking for much of the time, I mean, ha-ha, us FRB’s never walk that much! It simply can’t have been real.

Secondly, the aliens – in their ignorance - had permitted a child to appear in the dream sequence, under the pretext of it being the offspring of Slackbladder himself. This laughable error – Slackbladder is obviously far too old to have a child of that age – was not, at the time, picked up upon by any of the Hash, who humoured this apparition by encouraging the infiltrator’s admittedly brave efforts to keep up with everyone. A further example of our befuddled minds.

Then there was the beer stop. Oh yes, it seemed logical at the time that a car with beer should be parked in the middle of a field, but in retrospect this was obviously a drug-induced mass delusion. The almost complete absence of any biscuits or other foodstuffs should have been a clue, I mean what real hare would permit this to happen?…

Additionally I offer the evidence of a dream-like repetition sequence. Every building was greeted with “oh this will be Slackbladder’s family’s farm”, we were obviously in some sort of deja-vu time-warp by this stage.

Furthermore, I ask you to reflect on one point where we were just going round and round a field, never-ending, with no flour, and no apparent exit – the gate where we had come in had mysteriously disappeared, and we wandered deliriously round and round. And later, we all accepted the creature-that-purported-to-be-Slackbladder’s explanation that it was an intentional Rambo device without giving him a down-down. I mean, come on all of you, I ask you, is this likely?

Further breakdowns in the dream sequence were apparent when we apparently had a circle in someone’s garden – oh yeah? – and the Rugby Club, designated as the On Inn, wasn’t open. I mean, Rugby Club? We thought that was going to be real? And then there were still apparent temporal malfunctions in the streaming, when the pub we did end up didn’t produce the food for an hour, without anyone getting Uppity about this.

I rest my case. The photos above are no evidence of reality, and were obviously captured from mind-reading devices wired up to our brains during the delusion.

So, I put it to you, my fellow Hashers. R*n 384 never really took place, we have been both doped and duped! What these devilish aliens found out from their dastardly experiments I shudder to think. And will they return to find out more? I warn you, at Duddon Valley be wary of any sensations of slight fuzziness, bewilderment, derangement or confusion!

Hmmm, thinking about it, this may have been going on for some time…..