As an ex-executive of Lune Valley Hash, I have been able to reflect on whether I and my executive colleagues have been discharging our solemn duties in a fit and proper manner. This reflective period came to me quite suddenly and curiously enough on the night of the last full moon.

Far be it for me to point out that Lune and moon are synonymous and lunacy comes from madness brought upon by the appearance of the full moon. Perhaps I was afflicted by a delirium, and whilst no more hair than usual had grown on me as the moon waxed and waned, some damage to my equilibrium was done. Perhaps though, a more mundane and more direct cause of my distressing reflections was, dare I venture to say, in fact Sir Tom Tom, our Religious Adviser and hare for the night.  His expressions of concern for the dangers of running around raised the bar on the health and safety preparations for these ridiculous excursions on cold, wintry and unlit nights. The previous spirit of hashers is encapsulated if slightly misquoted as: "I am going for a run outside, I may be a while", and it is, as my daughters would say, so twentieth century and, fellow hashers, we need a more twenty-first century ethos in which macho posturings are put to one side as we reconnect with our feminine sides.

In truth, the LVH3 executives so far have been utterly lamentable in their exercise of due diligence for the welfare of the poor, uneducated cripples who have barely survived the uncalled for rigours of the the Lune Valley Hash, and I must now share some research with you and beg that we urgently call a mis-management meeting to put right our cavalier and dangerous ways and appoint our health and safety officer.

Slipping and tripping are at the forefront of the Health and Safety Executives priority list, which is why it has created a campaign called "Shattered Lives" which is to help prevent slips, trips and falls. I was, and I know you too will be, utterly staggered to read "Slips happen where there is too little friction or traction between the footwear and the walking surface." Well blow me down, I would never have guessed. And another revelatory fact from the same source: "Trips happen when your foot collides (strikes, hits) with an object causing you to lose balance and eventually fall." I am not convinced by the word "eventually":  my own experience is that these things tend to happen rather quickly and the word "eventually" conveys to me a more leisurely change from upright to prone that if true would leave me less bruised than is habitual when my foot collides with a tree root.

Now this is all very well: I have more insight into how slipping and tripping happens, but is this enough?  Sadly my researches did not come up with much practical advice:  better footwear, lighting, perhaps hares ought to carry salt in addition to flour and apply the salt with great care to stiles and steep slippery hillsides.  Indeed, given that conditions were so bad that more than two checks was too hazardous, I would have thought that fixed ropes could have been put in place to a) guide hashers b) provide a bit more stability on the uneven surface.

Now I have looked briefly at what health and safety we should bring to LVH3 and I have come across Hayle Runners web site.  Oh how much we are missing:

• Club coaches are CRB checked [are perverts amongst our ranks?]
• Club coaches carry a first aid kit and mobile phone [that must by No More Cum]
• Club coaches count runners out and back to ensure all return safely [the Falkland spirit!]
• Running routes are risk assessed [S.T.T. does]
• Accidents are reported and recorded if and when they occur
• They keep in touch with Club members who let them know they are injured
• The use of head phones, iPods and other music players are banned on safety grounds.
• It is recommended that all members wear a CramTag, a small token you attach to your running shoe. You can write on it an emergency contact number and any relevant medical information. [just do not ask me to read it covered in shiggy]
• CramTags can be obtained free of charge from the health and safety officer.
• The Club also encourages members to take water or another fluid (??) with them on a run. Even in the rain, and in the winter as well, you can sweat and lose fluids [!!] without being aware of it, and it’s important to avoid becoming dehydrated. Hand held water bottles can be obtained from Kit Secretary.

Accidents and Incidents

• Stay calm but act swiftly. Is there a danger of further injury?
• Listen to what the injured person is saying.
• Alert the first aider, who should take the appropriate action for minor injuries.
• If necessary, call the emergency services.
• Deal with the rest of the group and ensure they are adequately supervised.
• Do not move someone with major injuries. Wait for the emergency services.
• Contact the injured person’s next of kin.
• Complete an incident/accident form (available from health & safety guy).

General Health

• Members should let management know about any medical conditions or allergies and also ask you to confirm that your doctor says it’s safe for you to run.

So loads of advice here.  I am going to be demanding that you bring your medical histories to the next run, along with your next of kin, rehydration kit.  Hares - I want to see your risk assessment before I venture out again, and strongly advise you other hashers to do the same.  Every six months we should be rehearsing and practicing our risk assessments and safety awareness.  Hash Haberdash should start stocking water bottles, identity tags etc.  At least we have been consistent in punishing people on mobile phones - probably the only thing we do right.

On on. Lurch.  NB - enjoyed the run - no injuries reported.