Another full moon, another opportunity for North Lancashire's finest to go out on patrol and continue their drive to rid the countryside of werewolves, with no thought of rest until every last one is eradicated. There had been reports of several werewolf sightings in Caton and Brookhouse, so hunt coordinators White Noise and Off His Trolley set up base camp at the Station Hotel before sending us off to cleanse the village of the werewolf menace once and for all; to that end, checks were placed at virtually every road end to ensure that every nook and cranny in which the foul creatures might have their lair was covered. So many checks as you are unlikely to see ever again - more check than on a Scotsman's kilt!  As an added precaution, WN and OHT distributed cups of a secret potion designed to protect us from the powers of evil .

I am pleased to report that our mission was entirely successful. Since the end of the special operation, there has been not one single werewolf sighting anywhere in the parish - a glowing testament to our tenacity, courage and resolve. Thanks go to WN and OHT for organising the manoeuvres.

Saturday, however, was not just about protecting our village from the curse of lycanthropy It was time to pay tribute to one of LVH3's finest on the occasion of his quincentennial r*n. I refer, of course, to that remarkable athlete Sir Tom Tom. It is no exaggeration to say that his accomplishments have defined the second half of the twentieth century and the first quarter of the twenty-first. All day long, tributes poured in, not just from the world of sport - congratulatory telegrams were received from Linford Christie, Mo Farrah, Sebastian Coe and Roger Bannister, to name but a few - but also from the world of entertainment, no doubt inspired by his powerful use of language in his many write-ups: Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Mick Jagger and Elvis Presley all sent their best wishes on this special day, and Stevie Wonder said he had never seen anyone quite like Sir Tom Tom.

In my humble opinion, the finest individual ever to have graced the universe with his existence, and I say that entirely without bias.

Signed:

The person who did this write-up.